ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE - SERIOUS STUFF

From Andre Coetzee 

 

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

 

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats 
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." 
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even 
"A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 
1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized 
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued 
a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the 
Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to 
"Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other levels. This is the reason 
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level 
from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and 
"Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's 
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to 
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: 
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" 
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: 
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. 
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy 
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to 
"She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: 
"Crikey! Think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and 
"The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use 
of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person --